The first 250 words of our manuscript (co-written with Tina Moss) for the Made of Awesome Contest (find out all about it here: http://shelleywatters.blogspot.com/2011/05/made-of-awesome-contest.html).
Our novel, called Blood Bond, is an urban fantasy/paranormal romance crossover complete at 80,000 words.
BLOOD BOND
by Yelena Casale & Tina Moss
The scream died in his throat. A foreign sound he couldn’t set free. The surrounding quiet enfolded him, ironically deafening in its intensity. He closed his eyes, struggling for control.
Blazing pain struck, sweeping through his body like a wild fire. He knelt at the edge of the dark water, watching his muscles contract beneath smooth skin. With a shaking hand, he reached back to touch the empty space by his shoulder blades. He grunted at the contact, an alien noise in the absolute silence of the night.
City lights shimmered in the distance, the only signs of life. No creature stirred in this desolate place. It was as if humans and animals alike felt the dangerous current in the air and chose to stay away. Only the full moon reflected in the water, an indifferent observer to his torment.
He caught his image amongst the water’s ripples and stilled. The face that stared back at him, usually so stoic, now contorted in agony. His eyes held wildness that could not be contained, highlighted by a mess of disheveled dark hair, damp with perspiration. Nothing remained of the control, of the precious order that had been the pinnacle of his existence.
The light autumn breeze cooled his naked body but offered little relief. His blood burned from the inside out. The scorching fire threatened to consume him. Every inch of his being, from the tips of his nails to the ends of his hair, buzzed with soft electric blue energy.
Thanks for all the comments! I will try to get to as many other entries as I can. Good luck to everyone!
It might be just me, but when I think of a sound 'dying in (someone's) throat', it's fading off suddenly. Not that it's "A foreign sound he couldn’t set free." which sounds like it was choked off or something.
ReplyDeleteAside from the initial jar of those conflicting ideas, good description. I'm sure you've heard this before: avoid describing reflections! You're doing fine, I don't think you need it.
At the very end, "soft electric blue energy" doesn't quite jive with the tone of the rest, IMO. "Soft", after all that? ;)
You have some wonderful descriptions in here. I could clearly see and feel the MCs pain and discomfort at losing control. I love that he is looking into the water as well.
ReplyDeleteOne problem I see is that I'm not entirely sure what's going on. I'm guessing that he is changing into a werewolf (from the full moon reference), but it's taking a whole page to get to that.
The other is the paragraph about the city lights in the distance breaks up the flow of the change. You may want to consider moving it to the beginning to set the tone and then start with the changing.
You have a lot of good stuff here to work with. Thanks for sharing, I enjoyed it.
It is definitely attention grabbing. The one problem is in the second to last paragraph, second sentence. It should say was now contorted in agony (I think :) Otherwise there is no verb. It definitely makes me want to keep reading to figure out what happened and why he is electric blue.
ReplyDeleteMy question is - if this place is so desolate, why is he there and in so much pain? By touching his shoulder blade, I thought he was either shot or beat up. But then I found out he was naked...hmmm...(but I'd read on to see if it was explained)
ReplyDeleteerica
I should probably mention here that the novel has to do with angels and demons.
ReplyDeleteOh great job guys. I really feel the pain for the MC, wish I knew about the MC. I know that is hard to do in the first 250. I want to read more so I can get a feel for him and what has happened. Good Luck
ReplyDeletewow, ok i had the luck of reading this fater you mentioned it was about angels and demons. i read it under the impression that he was a werewolf and maybe that is the case, but now i am wondering if that naked shoulder comment was in reference to missing wings...i agree the city paragraph might be more effective earlier, but i don't see it as a deal-breaker.
ReplyDeletegood luck and keep writing!
douglas esper
You are amazing at imagery and writing descriptive narrative that flows well. I think you could tighten it a little more to get to the point of the scene a bit quicker (like why he's there and in pain), but on the whole... wow!
ReplyDeleteWhoo! I was absolutely captivated from the first sentence. Seriously, I'm blown away. The imagery was amazing, your choice of words and phrasing impeccable, a work of art. You ladies should win it. I'm dying to read the rest of this now!
ReplyDeleteThank you everyone for your great comments! They are really appreciated!
ReplyDeleteI liked this one a lot, it used a lot of good imagery.
ReplyDeleteI noticed that your second sentence felt like a fragment because there is no direct subject and direct verb. It might have sounded better if it started off with "It was a foreign sound he couldn’t set free." I kept on reading to see if there were more sentence fragments, but luckily, there were none that I noticed.
Other than that, good job and good luck with the contest!
Your writing is beautiful, evocative, and clean. If I had to give you any advice it's this: You've done a great job of describing his pain, but not his feelings. It's all surface stuff. Yes we get that he's in pain, but what is he thinking about his pain? About why he's in pain?
ReplyDeleteThose are the kinds of emotions that will draw the reader in and make them care about the main character. You have plenty of pain description here--maybe more than necessary--you could easily cut some to add feelings. Especially the reflective part. I agree with the other commenter who said reflective descriptions are cliche.
Good job!
Your imagery is fantastic. It really pulls me in.
ReplyDeleteJust one thing: ". . . damp with perspiration" seems, I don't know, excessively complicated? could just write: " . . . mess of sweaty, disheveled dark hair."
Great descriptions here! I love how you masterfully "showed" instead of just "told" - sign of a good writer. Good luck! :D
ReplyDeleteWow! So visual! You painted a very real image for me.
ReplyDeleteI actually quite like the opening lines: "The scream died in his throat. A foreign sound he couldn’t set free."
I get it and it drew me right in.
Thanks for sharing and good luck!
Interesting visuals/description. Consider tweaking your opening paragraph -- the fragment in your second sentence might be combined with the first sentence in some way to make for a smoother read.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Want to say thank you for all the comments too! :)
ReplyDelete